Another First Friday has come and gone!

And with it, another class of not-so-original originals! Look, don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* to be heckled. Especially when it's icy-cold, my boys have headed north for the winter, and you're planting your fat ass in front of my stuff with no intention to purchase my crap, but every intention to shoot zingers at my bonsai and me.

So for those of you who consider me a target of opportunity, merely a thing to pass your meaningless time with, I say this: Get in line! I've been heckled by the best and the worst. There's nothing like a good heckling, and your attempt was nothing like a good heckling. You've FAILED! You Lose! Good day!

To help you understand, what a FAILED attempt is, here's a list of the most cliche hecklings I've heard, how many times I heard it on Jan 2, my general response, and additional comments:

BANZAI!(yelled really loud, usually by some annoying, pinhead frat boy)

(5)

Yeah! Woo! Beer me! Hey, check out the hooters on that chick. No wait, that's just Kevin.

I was almost disappointed that this classic, moldy oldy didn't show it's party boy face more, but hey, it was cold.

Is it real? (usually accompanied by pinching/pulling of my trees)

(15)

No, it's imaginary. It really depends on what you mean by 'real' and 'it'. Yes, it's real, but the real question is, is *THIS* real (wave arms at the air).

This isn't really so much a heckle as it is a point of fascination, but I include it as it gives me an opportunity to heckle back the crowd. It's a give and take world, baby!

Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!

(7)

Bo-bo-bo-bonsai! Yes, I see where you got confused though. Thanks for playing.

Another one of those moldy oldies that didn't get played as much this time around. Maybe we've all had it with the Chia Pets and would rather they go away... at least until next Xmas White Elephant gift exchange.

Mr. Miyagi (aka Wax on/Wax off)

(9)

I remember Pat Morita best as Arnold from Happy Days. But fine, I'm Mr. Miyagi- that makes you... Chachi/Joni?

Ah, Joni Loves Chaka... how I love the classic old sitcoms. And just like those old sitcoms, this one is about as played as a (insert inappropriate, colorful joke here)

How big will it grow/will it stay small?

(26)

You're getting a bit personal, aren't you? It is a bit chilly out here... Oh, you meant the TREE!

The classic! A winner! My Dog! Why do people think that I have some sort of elfin magic that makes miniature trees stay miniature? This last one isn't really a heckle, it's another one that allows me to have a little fun.

This list really is all in fun. I want to share my fascination of bonsais and clay with everyone, hecklers included. I want to show my creative and silly side, but I find it a bit difficult when someone starts with the same questions. Rather than roll my eyes at the tired cliches, I show my little chart of heckles and my canned responses. I don't want to become jaded, so maybe by being funny I can relieve my frustration and invite to share something new.

I do understand where these remarks come from. Most people are uneasy or unsure that what they are seeing is real. Let's face it, in today's age of rubber dogshit straight out of China, outsourcing to India, video games and 500+ channels of crap on the boob-tube, it can be hard to comprehend that what you are seeing honest and truly is the real deal. No hidden fees, no small print disclaimers here. What you are seeing in front of you is 100%:

Honest

True

REAL

Yes, it's a real little tree. Yes, it took some skill to get it that way, and yes, it will grow big if you let it.

No, it's not some chia pet, and no, you do not need to be some mythical bonsai or BANZAI master to do this.

I grew it, shaped it, potted it.

I designed the pot, sculpted the pot, glazed the pot.

No smoke. No mirrors. No fakery.